So I’ve been struggling with something lately. Well, hell, I’ve been struggling with lots of things lately. School is inevitably beating my self-esteem into a pulp on a number of levels. The main one though, being my intelligence. I have heard my entire life about how intelligent/smart I am, but here I am struggling in college while I watch those around me succeed with an almost practiced ease. Yet, here I am, struggling to remember information from the readings. Heck, a lot of my friends don’t even bother with the readings. They just seem to KNOW this stuff, and I just wonder. How?
So, yet another round of bitch fest from yours truly. I’m having issues as of late. I desperately want to be noticed I think. Or something. Don’t get me wrong. My girlfriend gives me some attention, but I’m beginning to feel more and more invisible. To make things even worse, it’s partially my own damn fault. The rare occassions people invite me to somewhere, I end up not being able to go because of school related stuff. I’m terrified come summer, I’m just spend the entirety of it at home alone because everyone else will have given up spending time with me. I don’t even know anymore.
So awhile back I mentioned about the whole being forgotten thing. About how, I would occasionally send out texts and such to get in touch with people. I did that today, maybe to ten people all in all, and got one response. Honestly, I’m probably gonna delete the other nine people. I’m at the point now where if I’m not worth talking to, then they aren’t either. But the one person who texted me back made it all worthwhile. Made me quite happy and pleased. It’s weird how that’s worked out for me. I’m aware of all the horrible terrible stuff, the painful loneliness I feel at times (despite having an amazing girlfriend), the stress and agonizing pain of school. But none of it seems to matter all that much. I’ve got friends who love me, a great girlfriend, a roof over my head, food in my belly, and basically everything I need or most things I want. Being positive seems to be working so far, and focusing on the small good things definitely makes it easier to deal with the bigger tougher things in life.
So I finally flew for the first time in recent memory (I say in memory because I flew when I was 9 months and 3 years old, but remember neither flight). I flew out to Washington D.C and then back home. Flying as a whole was a pleasant experience. The TSA guys (despite being shockingly friendly and helpful) intimidated the crap out of me. Just the thought of having that sort of power over me was worrisome. But really, it wasn’t so bad, and by the second time I had to go through I was already feeling rather comfortable with it all. The first flight itself scared the crap out of me. I was terrified pretty much the entire flight. Particularly landing. So many odds noises and such really worried me. But, I made it there just fine. For the trip back home, I suddenly stopped worrying so much. Not sure why or how, but I just wasn’t bothered. Technically my trip back home involved to flights. One from DC to Atlanta, then one from Atlanta to Lexington (my home). The first flight was quiet and pretty much, just fine. The second one was the best one though. It was odd to hear everyone talking and just acting, well, normal. But the best part was the gorgeous view of the sunset over the cloud line. It was really breath taking and right then I had never felt more at home. Which is weird, cause I was flying in a big giant metal machine. But, it was just one of those things that kinda changes your perspective on things.
So I’m gonna use this as my personal blog for the moment. There’s not a lot of people that read this, so I feel safe in doing so.
The thing is lately, I’ve been missing a lot of people. People I used to spend a lot of time around. But something happened, something changed that made spending time more difficult. They moved, Or I did. One or both of us stopped participating in common activity. I started going to school, they stopped going to school, etc, etc. So as time has gone on and I find myself trying to reach out to these wayward friends. I send text messages, or the dreaded FB message. Any number of things to attempt to get their attention. A means of just saying “Hi, you were in my thoughts” or some such. Only to be met with silence. Impregnable silence. They don’t send anything back. One particular person asks who I am, and when I announce myself, they don’t respond, after which. Do people understand how this makes me feel? Most the people are ones I cared a fair amount about. Some of them were friends with me for years. Like real friends, ya know, spend time with each, help each other work out problems, have a connection sort of friends. Or at least that’s how I felt. But there’s this silence, and it kills me. It makes me feel like I don’t really matter. That I’m unwanted, or even more worrisome, completely forgotten. Just a fading memory. That lost thought really upsets me. Here’s this person who meant something to me enough to be permanently etched in my mind, and I meant nothing. Not even a strong memory. Just something that was kinda there for a little while. I honestly don’t know how to deal with that. I’m sure if this was on FB, I’d be swarmed by people who would be all like “forget about them” or “move on”. But hell, I suck at forgetting people. Just ask Drew.
Wolf’s Song Episode 14: Nerds and Medicine (by ookamikazekun)
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